Fifty Shades of Disappointment

Fifty Shades of Disappointment

by Jonathan Eddington

The film, Fifty Shades of Grey, is due to start filming soon, and planned for release on 1st August 2014. Many people I know are looking forward to it, but I do not think they will like it. I could be wrong of course, but what follows is an imaginary conversation based on several I have had with fans of the books. The fans parts will be in italics, and mine, normal type. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments at the bottom, and what you expect from the film.

I'm really looking forward to the Fifty Shades of Grey film!

I think you're going to be disappointed.

Why!?

First of all we need to look at why the book was a success.

All the sex scenes right?

No. According to several surveys the main reason it is popular among ladies is the growing romantic relationship between Ana and Christian.

But the sex scenes were great!

Some yeah, but far to many are variations on the same thing - restrict her arms, oral on her, then penetrative sex - and no big budget film will include more than two or three minor scenes, so that's about a quarter of the book that's going to get cut. Speaking of cuts, expect to lose another quarter so that it fits the ninety minute "ideal" length that Hollywood favours.

Really!? So what else might be missing from the film?

Expect minor characters to disappear, or be combined. A good example is Josh, Ana's photographer friend, and Paul, a colleague from her job at the start. Both only really serve as someone for Christian to get jealous over, so it's bye bye Paul. I also think that Ana's step father Ray will go or change. His scenes could be blended into were Ana visits her mother and her current husband, Bob. Bob/Ray would now be at home with Ana's mum. Another potential cut is the relationship between Ana's flatmate, Kate, and Christian's brother, Elliot. He could go completely!

But I like the book as it is!

Well there is no way Hollywood will go with the books ending. It is far too downbeat, so expect some sort of happy ending instead.

Well, at least the parts of Ana and Christian won't change.

You think? How do you think Christian looks?

He is athletic, blond hair, blue eyes, and mid thirties...
No he's tanned, slim, dark hair, brown eyes, and early thirties...
I thought he was tall, dark and handsome, with piercing eyes...

Actually, you are all wrong. the book says in chapter 1:

So young - and attractive, very attractive. He's tall, dressed in a fine grey suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark-copper-coloured hair and intense, bright grey eyes that regard me shrewdly.

Oh, and he is 27.

"Dark-copper-coloured hair?" You mean he is a red head!? So who have they got playing him, Rupert Grint?

Nope, Jamie Dornan. They'll have to dye his hair, give him contacts, and a shave. At least they only have to make him look four years younger, and for Dakota Johnson it will only be two. Though again Ana should look different according to the book, but since when has Hollywood followed any book properly?

You have a point. So what do you think it will be like?

If by some chance you have not read or heard of the book, then think of any other Hollywood romance. Innocent girl meets damaged boy, the chase each other and have to over come various obstacles to be together, and it all ends happily, with him now "fixed" because of her. Fifty Shades of Grey could not be a more fitting title for another dull, "follow the formula" flick...